the Curse of Coma

the Curse of Coma

lying on that bed in the ICU

wires attached to every inch of my frame 

the continuous sound of the machines around me

that beep beep killed me every moment

I could see them all around

the nurses, the doctors who came to check on me

their discussions sounded so heartless

for them I was just another patient

the one with no hope of surviving

only a miracle would bring me back

they had told my mother, my father

I was dying, I so wanted to live

desperate to get up to wipe off their tears

how I cursed myself to be the reason 

to bring such pain for them to handle

I wanted to scream, I wanted to move

my helplessness laughed at me every moment

that day arrived, when I closed my eyes

even the ventilator couldn’t make me breathe anymore

that day when my soul left my broken bones

I promised myself never to go into Coma again

****

image source

I am not what they think I am

I am not what they think I am

I am not what they think I am

I am much more

I am a soul

I have a heart

I feel pain

I have desires

I am not just what they think I am

I am much more

I am someone, in Love

****

image source

Pain makes us.. who we are

Pain.. sometimes I wonder why are we so scared of it. We are driven to move in the opposite direction. Pain is considered to be a negative in our lives. Today, I am going to talk a little about pain and the tears that it brings and also its effect on us.

Pain, is painful. No doubts. Everyone has gone through sufferings in their lives for some reason. Loosing a person we love, getting hurt in love, not getting enough from someone we love dearly, failures in terms of studies, career, loosing a job, struggle to get fame etc.

But, have we realized one thing? Pain, struggle, suffering and failures are so important in our lives. I have seen people becoming strong enough to face the most difficult times as they have tasted the suffering. Struggle, polishes our souls to not give up and keep trying.

There are people, although a few of them, who are born worthy. They have money, comforts, love and everything they need, is just a click away from them. They, don’t even know what struggle is, how is it like to be suffering, how does it feel to be in pain. I personally feel that when they are presented with struggle in their lives, they tend to loose their heart easily.

Here is an example. I was born in 70s in a middle class family. We, as children didn’t know the meaning of luxury. It was a dream to sit in a car in those times. We struggled through life to achieve what we have today. While growing up, we pushed our limits to be in a better position and without a doubt we suffered as well. I even lost a family member at an early age and honestly speaking, I was too young to understand the loss. But while growing up, I missed that person in each possible way. It had an impact on the monetary condition, emotional security, social pressure and a lot more. I always used to think that had I not lost that dear member of my family, things would have been much better and different.

Now, in my late 30s, I realize that I am a much stronger person today. I have seen all kind of struggle in my life. I have born pain to a great extent and that has made me kind of ready for it whenever it chooses to knock on my door the next time. Our experiences change us and polish us to be who we turn out to be.

And hence, I am glad today to have born pain my life. I am glad today to have faced struggle throughout. I still miss my dearest family member whom I lost and nothing can ever fill that gap, yet I am glad that I decided to fight and took the situation in a positive way to make me believe in myself. I now feel that I can face any damn situation in my life and I am ready to learn more from the experiences to come my way through this journey of life.

A survivor, a warrior…

Let me know what you think!

mySestina life journey of pain.

 

For a Little Happiness

For a Little Happiness

I chose silence over scream

gathered all pain in my heart

surprised I was to see its potential

how much more could it absorb

I was scared, yes I was

soon the day shall arrive

this heart of mine shall explode 

releasing uncountable tears

poor pretty heart

sure belongs to a brand rare and rich

consuming stabs of fate

is still working fine

still beating in hope

for a little happiness

image source

#pain #poetry #happiness

O Death.. Hold Me

O Death.. Hold Me

she closed her eyes

for the pain was overbearing

she let it fall through her tears

but the salt was not enough

it could only dissolve a little

she could envisage for its heaviness

the pain was never going to abandon her

it was only to grow

piercing her deeper

in the days to come

in the years to pass

till death eventually

shall honor her

her peace

image source

#pain #death

How I drowned…

How I drowned…

the depth of your eyes

urged me to dive into them

I meant to swim through your heart

instead, I drowned 

in the ocean of your tears

****

image source

#poetry #depth #pain

Not a Child anymore

Not a Child anymore

my eyes dried of tears

my expressions don’t cry along with me

when i can’t take it no more, i scream with pain

yet, no one seems to notice

then i tell myself

not to worry

it’s got to be like this only

i am not a child anymore

image source

an Awed whisper to Death

an Awed whisper to Death

he came back home just yesterday

united with his beloved wife

excited to see her belly grown to the full

tiny baby was about to come

the following morning, the phone rang

they called for him cancelling his leave

his country needed him, he was a soldier brave

the neighbor country had announced the war

with a heavy heart, he left home again

promising his wife, to be back soon enough

to welcome a new life to this world

to build his own, small beautiful world

the war had declared thousands dead

there were screams all around the border

there were unstopping explosions

his gun loaded, he faced the enemy with courage

a rain of bullets from the opposite side

just one, was enough to hit him in the chest

piercing his skin, poisoning his heart

he fell on the ground gasping for his breath

he vision went blank, only dark he could see

in that moment, he thought of his unborn baby

how eagerly his wife must be waiting

he spoke to Death in an awed whisper

begging for a little more time to live

sigh! 

the cruel war had swallowed his soul

he had to die

without welcoming his beloved child

image source

gone forever

gone forever

i am certain

they shall miss me

when i am gone forever

what pains me is

they never valued me alive

image source

my pain so dear to me

my pain so dear to me

never failed to show me

many of its faces

it was less, deep, sometimes excruciating

my pain

it held my hand tight

never let me go

embraced me, gifted me tears

my pain

powerful enough to shake my emotions

made me wise, showed me my strong self

walked my path with me

my pain – so dear to me

image source

countless hours on her grave

countless hours on her grave

sitting, on her grave in silence

he spent COUNTLESS number of hours

somewhere deep, he was sure

not to get any answers from her

with pain immense

and a little hope in his heart

he kept whispering to her softly

to answer

to come back to him

image source

was it too much to ask

was it too much to ask

tell me

was it too much to ask

if I asked for just a little smile

a spark of just a little happiness in my eyes

you knew my journey till now was exhausting

you knew I was desperate for some rest

you knew enough tears I had shed

you knew your love would have strengthen me

you knew I loved you, gave my life to you

how could you be so heartless to desert me

how could you just let me die every moment

O my dear, tell me where did I fail, how did I fail

after all that I genuinely did to save our relationship

tell me my dearest

was it too much to ask

image source

the Scars

the Scars

in a calm serene night

the wind decided not to progress

trees stood in silence

welcoming the Moon

gleaming silver rays

traveled their way

to bathe the angels

nourishing them with purity

water in the lake glowed with shine

a sight so rich, so charming

it hid all the pain behind

& no one seemed to notice

the scars

on the face of the Moon

image source

hope in pain keeps me alive

hope in pain keeps me alive

 

a butterfly curious
asked the flower
o my dear, would you tell me
does it hurt
to give away your nectar
does it hurt
when I fly away from you

the flower blushed, replied
o my pretty lady
my colors glow
when you touch me
i am sweeter
when you taste my nectar

you flying away makes me dream
leaves me a hope
that you shall come back
that you will touch me again

celebrate tears

celebrate tears

Yes I cry , sometimes I do

it sure

doesn’t make me weak

yes I cry, from happiness too

sometimes

I need a break

these tears

give me the power

to flush my sorrows, hatred & pain

I forgive, forget, gather back myself

start to walk

my path again

my fear – through the path of life

my fear – through the path of life

 

the path of life
has made me worth
has made me wise
falls were many
scarce was delight
at times it got too much
was just about to give up
in that moment
I gave myself an advice
there’s no fun in failing
so I stood up to fight
my biggest fall ever
made me rise
rise enough
to reach new heights
for there’s one thing
I left behind forever
my fear

when no one believed in me – I did

when no one believed in me – I did

i WAS all about me

i WAS all about me

 

 

when my loneliness came to me

as i called for it

my loneliness came to me

i was speechless

stunned

hugged it

together we both cried

felt lonely again

tears – my friends for life

every single time
when i was alone in life
i wasn’t really alone
my tears gave me company
never invited
they showed up on their own
every time they told me
they loved my beautiful eyes
just kept falling selflessly
till my sadness said goodbye
they made me weak
they made me strong
undoubtedly my tears
are my best friends
and they shall remain
all my life long

that moment

that moment

the way he looked into her eyes

i knew he made his choice

to choose her over me

that moment

when he let me loose

i knew he will hold her close

he was going to set me free

that moment

in all those moments to come

i saw them dancing

laughing together

and i silently whispered

to my wounded heart

to forgive him

to stop bleeding

 

 

 

 

O death – Hold me

O death – Hold me

she closed her eyes

for the pain was overbearing

she let it fall through her tears

but the salt was not enough

it could only dissolve a little

she could envisage for its heaviness

the pain was never going to abandon her

it was only to grow

piercing her deeper

in the days to come

in the years to pass

till death eventually

shall honor her, her peace


image source : google

why did they tell me

why did they tell me

when they told me i was dying

i was left with just a few months

the illness inside me was growing

the healing cells in my body wouldn’t work

i was not prepared what my ears heard

i wanted to react, yet my face went blank

 

i drove back home, lied in my bed

my eyes open, i kept looking at the ceiling

i felt a little heaviness in me

i smiled to me ironically on the fact of dying

all of them know, they have to go

its much painful for me

for i know when

guess, am gonna die every moment now on

thinking it’s coming

till the time i die

image source

to make her mine

to make her mine

if only they had discovered a magical sphere

with a little space to fit me in

I would fasten all my seat belts carefully

for a journey to be traveled to pure my soul

to beat the light for its unbeatable speed

Yes, I would travel Back in Time

I would amend all the wrongs I have done

I would un- break the heart that I broke once

I would stop those ugly words in my throat

words that separated her from me

I would kiss her, caress her and just not stop

I am worthy of her blame

I didn’t do it when I had the chance

I would tell her, I love her a zillion times

I didn’t say it when she craved for those words

I would do everything to undo the hurt

wouldn’t let her cry those precious tears

would hold her tight, not let her go

would soothe her anxiety, soothe her soul

only if they had discovered a magical sphere

that could make me travel, back in time

I would rush to her, wouldn’t make any delay

to bring her back, to make her mine

image source

 

I guess it’s love…

I guess it’s love…

you were here by my side, so close to me 

you tried to hold my hand many times

you tried to express your love for me

I was the one, rejecting you

knowing that I was hurting you

I went on neglecting you 

I was arrogant

I showed no compassion 

that day, I told you, I didn’t want you

I saw those tears in your eyes

you ran, you hands on your face

trying to hide your embarrassment, your pain

I didn’t know where were you going

neither did I make an effort to stop you

months have passed..

now, every evening I sit on my chair

watching the open door for hours

I don’t know why, now I want you to come back

don’t know why, I miss you so much now

it hurts… it really hurts

I guess it’s love… 

****

image source#

#poetry #heartbreak #pain

The day never arrived

The day never arrived

I was aware, yet I chose to lie to my heart

two things for me

to win his affection were either love or blood

I had none

neither he shared his blood with me

nor he ever fell in love with me

I craved for him to be mine

not just with the body but his soul

sadly

the day never arrived

image source

Fail your Pain

Fail your Pain

when you are in pain

when you can’t stop your tears from flowing

think of those children who haven’t eaten for weeks

think of a mother who just lost her son

think of a soldier, who will never come back home

think of his little daughter, waiting for her father 

for all of us, to be in control of our emotions

must we appreciate what we have

must we realize, we have a lot that many people crave for

must we understand the pain of the others

and our own pain will fade, will be less painful

this way my dearest, all of us

shall become better human beings

giving, compassionate, less self centered

contributing towards a better world

image source

#pain #failPain

Color of My Tears

Color of My Tears

often, my eyes bleed

I bleed with no open wounds

for the color of my tears

so serene, so selfless

they fail to see my pain

their vision incapable

to see me bleed

image source

A Different Kind of Smile

A Different Kind of Smile

a smile

a smile that came on my lips

a smile that stayed for a little long

a smile that refused to leave me at all

a smile that became my habit

a smile that even people got used to

a smile that was for no reason

a smile that will only go when I die

it is a smile that’s fake

its is a smile to hide my pain

it is a smile that has become my friend

it is a smile that has promised

not to leave me till the end

seems to me it is

a different kind of a smile

image source

Selfless Tears

Selfless Tears

I cry of pain, I cry of joy

tears, never leaving my side

eager to fall down from my eyes so deep

to roll down softly through my cheeks

evaporating even before reaching my chin

showing their love selfless, to me

I become, a better ME, for my tears

they absorb all my anger, all my pain

dissolve it all in a little salt of them

cleanse my soul throwing out themselves

I feel much better, I feel so fresh

after a hearty cry, when I’ve shed a few tears

negativity that’s piled up inside for years

gets to release in a moments few

sometimes I wonder sitting & thinking

the wonder of these eyes, the magic of these tears

could I ever have possibly

made it this far

could I ever have possibly

done without them?

image source

for a Little Happiness

for a Little Happiness

I chose silence over scream

gathered all pain in my heart

surprised I was to see its potential

how much more could it absorb

I was scared, yes I was

soon the day shall arrive

this heart of mine shall explode 

releasing uncountable tears

poor pretty heart

sure belongs to a brand rare and rich

consuming stabs of fate

is still working fine

still beating in hope

for a little happiness

image source

#pain #poetry #happiness

I swallowed the Silence

I swallowed the Silence

I swallowed the silence

make it stay in my throat

to make my tongue worthless

to not let it utter a word

no matter how much

I have to go through

no matter how much

they make me suffer

I shall never even whisper

of my pain, my sufferings

for I just want to be me

I only want Me – to be with Me

when my eyes shed tears

in the dark

silently

image source

#silence #pain #poetry

my pain so dear to me

my pain so dear to me

never failed to show me

many of its faces

it was less, deep, sometimes excruciating

my pain

it held my hand tight

never let me go

embraced me, gifted me tears

my pain

powerful enough to shake my emotions

made me wise, showed me my strong self

walked my path with me

my pain – so dear to me

image source

#pain #poetry

Countless hours on her Grave

Countless hours on her Grave

sitting, on her grave in silence

he spent COUNTLESS number of hours

somewhere deep, he was sure

not to get any answers from her

with pain immense

and a little hope in his heart

he kept whispering to her softly

to answer

to come back to him

image source

#countless #grave #pain #hope

was it too much to ask?

was it too much to ask?

tell me my love

was it too much to ask

if I asked for just a little smile

a spark of just a little happiness in my eyes

you knew my journey till now was exhausting

you knew I was desperate for some rest

you knew enough tears I had shed

you knew your love would have strengthen me

you knew I loved you, gave my life to you

how could you be so heartless to desert me

how could you just let me die every moment

O my dear, tell me where did I fail, how did I fail

after all that I genuinely did to save our relationship

tell me my dearest

was it too much to ask

image source

together, we were never to sing

together, we were never to sing

a song I meant to sing

I needed him to sing along

shyly indicated my intentions to him

we waited for the music to assist

we waited and kept waiting

were we deaf not to listen to the tune

screaming over and over to us both

assuring the possibility of the impossible

we were not meant to be what we thought

together, we couldn’t write a song

together, we were never to sing

image source

My Merciless Heart

My Merciless Heart

i curse my heart

to grant access to agony

to let it proceed through its valves

to travel to every bit of my body

like blood

i curse my heart

to challenge

the strength of my brain

to keep me safe from pain

oh this heart…. it has no mercy for me…

image source

the Day never arrived

the Day never arrived

I was aware, yet I chose to lie to my heart

two things for me

to win his affection were either love or blood

I had none

neither he shared his blood with me

nor he ever fell in love with me

I craved for him to be mine

not just with the body but his soul

sadly

the day never arrived

image source

We have no Song

We have no Song

together

we couldn’t write a song

failed to make memories

to last for long

his emotions

failed him, to reach to me

my words, failed me at the same time

henceforth

shall we part

for there’s no music for us

we have no song

to us

it just doesn’t belong

– the song

image source

A Good Bye to simplify things

A Good Bye to simplify things

it was

getting burdensome for him

I felt him

running away from me

for me

it was tough, I was anxious, in pain

ignored, my messages not being responded

excuses and lies

everyday I faced

& one day

he simplified things

he said

goodbye

image source

Regret

Regret

many times, I told him

I was dying from the inside

every day, each moment of my life

the air between us not enough

to let me breathe

my heart felt suffocated

a million times, his hand I tried to reach

he was there sitting by my side

yet no sign of him till far away

my soul neglected bruised

I decided to wait for a little longer

every time I told me

he shall hold me in a little more while

today, i depart to stay in heaven

he is remained with nothing

but regret

with nothing

but to miss me by his side

image source

His Choice

His Choice

saying piercing painful words

making an argument not valid

displeasure filled his eyes

as he woke up to leave

to walk out of the door

leaving her heartbroken

tears running down her cheeks

she was desperate to run behind

catch hold of his hand

not let him walk out of the wooden door

how convinced was her heart

he will never return once gone

for he didn’t believe in a pretty heart

rather

he chose

to fall for a pretty face

image source

Serve Me Pain

Serve Me Pain

serve me pain

serve me sorrow

torturing wind as it blows

injects a little immortality in me

nothing you shall gain

for my limit to consume this pain

is beyond eternity

image source

Music of his Kind

Music of his Kind

she entrusted him

with the guitar of her heart

she entrusted him

to play the flute of her emotions

& he ended up playing

the music of his kind

it was the music

HE only liked

it was the music on which

she ended up dancing

all her life

image source

My Merciless Heart

My Merciless Heart

i curse my heart

to grant access to agony

to let it proceed through its valves

to travel to every bit of my body

like blood

i curse my heart

to challenge

the strength of my brain

to keep me safe from pain

oh this heart…. it has no mercy for me…

image source

SHE loved him enough

SHE loved him enough

how convinced was she

not to find

love 

in his embrace

not that he wasn’t gentle

not that he wasn’t kind

he simply 

didn’t have love in store 

for her

yet she stayed

for no matter how he felt for her

she loved him enough

not to leave his side

image source

he said

he said

he said

don’t talk
she never uttered a word

he said

don’t expect
she never asked him a thing

he said

don’t follow
she never took another step

then

he said

don’t love
& she broke
into a million pieces

image source : google

The Hope in Pain keeps me Alive

The Hope in Pain keeps me Alive

 

a butterfly curious
once asked the rose
o my dear, would you tell me
does it hurt
to give away your sweet nectar
does it hurt
when I fly away from you

the rose blushed, replied
o my pretty lady
when you touch me, my colors glow
I am sweeter
when you taste my sweetness

you flying away from me, makes me dream
leaves me a hope
that you shall come back
that you will touch me again

image source

tears

tears

Yes, I cry, sometimes I do
it sure doesn’t make me weak
yes I cry, from happiness too
sometimes I need a break
these tears
give me the power to flush
my sorrows, hatred & pain
I forgive, forget, gather courage
start to walk my path again

image source

my merciless heart

my merciless heart

i curse my heart

to grant access to agony

to let it proceed through its valves

to travel to every bit of my body

like blood

i curse my heart

to challenge

the strength of my brain

to keep me safe from pain

oh this heart…. it has no mercy for me…

image source

the glass in my hand

there i do it again

what i told me I wouldn’t million times
last time
i promised be the last
when i touched  this glass of wine

no i feel no shame
here i hold the damn glass again
for with the shining glass in my hand
fade away my shades of pain

pain that brings me
to the world real
in which, you are no more
its just me that’s left
grieved, heartsore

that darkest moment

z

This is about a little girl who lost her father at the age of 7. She had a younger brother and their mom was just 25 when  this tragic thing happened. This girl and her brother hadn’t even realized how their world was going to change from then on. The struggle started in their lives.

Mother struggling to earn and take care of the children without any support. She struggled with her emotions as she was so deeply in love with her husband whom she had lost. She couldn’t cry tears of pain so that she would not make her children feel scared or weak.

The girl started to wonder why her mother had stopped putting on any makeup and why does she now always wears dull color clothes. She often ran to her mother with a lipstick and requested her to wear it. And her mother would refuse (back then, in a hindu family, a widow was not allowed to wear bright colors or any kind of makeup).

Then came a day, her mother told her that their father was coming back. That he was gone for a while and now he is returning. The girl knew in her heart, its not her father, its going to be her step father, but looking at the shine on her mother’s face, she kept quite. She was surely happy about something – that her mother would start wearing bright colors and wear a lipstick or a nail paint again.

Life after that was full of struggle. Much more than it was earlier.

Years passed, the girl was now 34. She had her own children now. One day, sitting next to her mom breastfeeding her baby, her mother spoke to share how she felt when she lost her husband.

It was the first time ever she talked about the same.

She said,

“Your father was a very nice man, he helped me with everything. He was working at a high level in an organization, the same company gave me a job after his death on the basis of his seniority. He had 2 heart attacks and the third one took his life. He was hospitalized for about a month and i used to visit him everyday in the morning after sending you and your brother to the school. But that day, that dark day, i just entered the elevator in the hospital and saw a nurse with whom i got familiar with in that past one month. I greeted the nurse good morning and usually she would she would greet me back the same. But that day, she replied back saying “don’t you know?”

The floor under my feet froze. I wanted to jump out through the half open door of the elevator. Few other people in the elevator stopped me. 

That moment, that one moment was the most uncertain moment of my life. I could not consume, what had just happened. I had you and your  brother aged 7 and 5 and here I just lost my husband.”

The girl heard her mother talking her heart.

The irony of different perspectives brought tears to her eyes, that when her mother was going through the darkest moment of her life, as a child, she was busy thinking about why her mother would not wear any make up anymore!!